The first few weeks with twins are a whirlwind – double the feedings, double the diaper changes, and yes, double the sleep deprivation. For me, the joy of becoming a new twin mom was undeniably present, but it was accompanied by an undercurrent of sadness and a feeling of being overwhelmed. My world had been completely flipped upside down and I did not have the coping strategies to turn it right side up. This experience made me realize that while all new moms face a risk of postpartum depression, twin moms face unique challenges. So, let's chat about what postpartum can really be like for us, how we can recognize the signs of postpartum depression/anxiety, and most importantly, how we can navigate those early days together.
We had our first set of twins at the tail end of the Covid pandemic. We also brought them home during the coldest week of the year, experiencing negative twenty and thirty degree wind chills. I was a first time mom, recovering from a c-section, with no idea of what taking care of one, let alone two newborns really entailed. To say I was overwhelmed would be an understatement. Fortunately, I have a mother who is extremely helpful and supportive that lives twenty minutes away. She stayed with us for the first few nights and came over whenever I felt I needed her during my maternity leave. My husband was also working from home so he supported during the day as well. However, none of us had any experience with twins. It was a learning curve for all of us.
I was cranky, irritable and anxious most of the time. I felt like I was continuously walking through a fog. I began to argue more and more with my husband. I attributed this to the stress of trying to take care of two newborns and being a first time mom. I knew postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety were a thing but my ego got in the way and convinced myself that there was no way I had PPD/PPA. I kept thinking, it will get better once the babies start sleeping longer at night. I will be less anxious once they are in their cribs and not our rooms. I'll be less irritable now that I'm done pumping. It was always the next milestone that would be the magic bullet to me feeling better. In my head, it was all external reasons for why I was feeling the way I was. I thought that if I admitted that it was something internally causing me to feel this way, then I was a bad mom or somehow broken.
It wasn't until my babies were eight months old that I felt as if the "fog" began to lift. There was no magic transition or developmental change that triggered it. I just slowly began to feel aspects of myself come back to me. Things that had been so triggering several months ago no longer bothered me. I was less argumentative with my husband. I had more patience when dealing with fussy babies. I felt like I could breathe again. It was at this moment that I finally admitted to myself that what I was experiencing was probably some form of postpartum depression or anxiety. This felt so freeing but as I reflected, I felt such sadness for the past me who did not seek help or support. Would my postpartum experience have looked different? Would I have felt more enjoyment in new motherhood?
When our boys were a little over one years old, we decided to try for one more. We were ecstatic when we found out we were pregnant again. I was petrified when I learned that it was twins again. I wasn't necessarily scared to have two babies again. We knew what to expect. I was scared to experience postpartum again. I was terrified I would walk back into the depression and anxiety fog. I did not want to go to that dark place again. Double the babies means double the hormone changes in postpartum. It thought it was almost inevitable that I would be faced with the same challenges.
What was different the second time around was my mindset. I felt armed with knowledge and experience to know what to look for and expect. I promised myself that if I felt like I was feeling remotely like I did with the boys that I would seek support. I talked to my husband about monitoring my mood and behavior in case I was not able to recognize it in my self. I was still scared, but I felt better equipped.
The first month of our second twins' lives was a whirlwind. I found I had Influenza the day after my c-section, which resulted in needing to quarantine from my babies during the hospital stay. When they were about two weeks only, our baby boy had gotten a bad stomach bug which resulted in a three night stay at the hospital. I was a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding at three weeks postpartum followed by another hospital stay for our baby boy for RSV. Our first month with four under two was mental and emotional toll I had not anticipated. However, I was not feeling the anxiety and irritability I had felt with our first set of twin. I thought this was a good sign.
It was during a night feeding, while I was trying to console an upset and hungry baby that I felt my perspective shift. In an instance, I felt overwhelmed and my mind was thinking "get this baby away from me." I mind was screaming at me to get away from the situation. I put my baby down back in her bassinet and had a full meltdown. My husband was up as well feeding our other baby and watched my response. It was such an extreme change from my natural response in those situations that both my husband and I acknowledged that something was not right. My initial reaction was to feel defeated but remembered my promise to myself that I would not let myself walk into the PPD fog again. I called first thing in the morning when my OBGYN's phone lines opened. I was seen the same day and started on the lowest dosage of Lexapro.
Acknowledging that I was struggling with postpartum depression and getting on the right medication for me was pivotal in shifting my experience with my second set of twins. Yes, I was still sleep deprived and I was learning how to embrace my new body, but I still felt like myself. While I am not proud of every moment within my postpartum journey, I am proud of the person and mother I have become. I am stronger and more confident than I have ever been. I feel compelled to openly discuss PPD/PPA and talk about my experiences in hopes it supports other new mothers and their babies.
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