Many people wonder about my reaction when I learned I was pregnant with twins. It's challenging for me to respond to this question as there isn't a single emotion that can fully convey the range of feelings I went through. During my first pregnancy, I felt isolated and anxious due to Covid restrictions. I experienced relief upon hearing healthy and strong heartbeats. I felt thankful and shocked considering our previous struggles with conception and the possibility of not being able to have children. After all the initial emotions subsided, I gradually came to the realization that the journey into parenthood that I had envisioned was not the one I was embarking on.
When we decided to conceive again, our intention to have one baby to complete our family and experience raising just one child at a time. I hoped to explore aspects of parenting that I missed out on with our first twins. Although we were aware of the possibility of having twins again, the chances seemed slim. When we discovered we were expecting twins for a second time, I immediately began to wonder how we would handle four children under the age of two. The logistical and financial aspects seemed daunting. I was also not ready to tackle another challenging postpartum period. I must admit, I felt a sense of sadness. While I am thankful for our four healthy babies, I soon realized that my journey through parenthood would always be vastly different from what I had envisioned and from what the majority of parents experience.
Understanding the Grief of Unrealized Expectations
Let me clarify that the sorrow I felt does not stem from having twins, but rather from the realization that my parenting journey is different from what I had envisioned. It's the sorrow of not experiencing parenthood in the same way as most others do. The initial year of raising twins was all about survival for me. I never felt as if I could enjoy the newborn phase as I had once imagined. Simple acts like rocking my baby to sleep seemed out of reach. Breastfeeding didn't unfold as I had pictured it, given the demands of feeding two babies. Activities like mommy-and-me music or swimming classes were out of the question. Just getting the babies ready for a stroll around the neighborhood felt like running a marathon. The first year of parenting twins was grueling, scary and overwhelming. I felt I had missed out on truly enjoying the newborn stage.
I also felt a strong disconnection to many of my friends who were singleton parents. While all were trying to be supportive by offering advice and support, the advice was often not feasible when there were two babies rather than one. Things like feeding routines, nap time schedules, getting out of the house and traveling seemed exponentially more difficult. It was difficult for others to understand why we were so dependent on our routines and schedule. My husband and I desperately wanted to find connection and talk to others about our unique experiences in twin parenting but quickly began to feel impossible to relate to within our circles.
Finding Community
As a result, I decided to connect with other mothers of multiples. I was curious to find out if I was alone in experiencing this sense of "twin grief" and feeling isolated from parents with only one child. It turned out that this was a recurring theme in almost every conversation I had with other mothers of multiples. I finally felt understood and acknowledged. As I continued these discussions, common threads emerged. We all had to adjust our expectations of what parenthood should be like. We all came to terms with the fact that our approach to parenting had to be much different from that of others had experienced. We couldn't follow the same practices as other families and that's ok. People will always give us well intentioned advice but it often times is not feasible with twins. We joke around about all the silly things people say to people of twins and we forge our own path in parenthood. We were all figuring it out on our own and taking it day by day. There is solace in knowing that you are not alone.
Finding Acceptance and Joy
Although it was initially easy for me to focus on the challenges of twin parenthood, I have since learned to change my perspective to recognize the unique opportunities that come with having twins. Instead of dwelling on what we might be missing out on because of having twins, I now focus on the special experiences that having twins brings. I find joy in being able to provide my children with a companion to share every aspect of life with. They will witness each other's life milestones, share in each other's joys, and support one another through sorrows. I find joy in the moments when people stop me in public to admire the beauty of our unique family. I treasure the sight of my twins giggling in their cribs when they should be napping. I also appreciate the simple joy of buying coordinating outfits for my children, as there is nothing quite as adorable as two sets of twins dressed in matching clothes.
For new parents of twins who may be reading this, it's important to understand that experiencing twin grief is completely normal and nothing to be ashamed of. Remember that there are many other parents of twins who are ready to talk and share their own struggles with twin grief. If you find it hard to connect with other parents of multiples in person, consider starting online. Join Facebook groups, follow other twin parents on Instagram, and don't hesitate to reach out to them. Few things bring more joy to parents of twins than talking to others going through similar situations. Personally, I have found that creating a community has been the most effective form of therapy for me. You are not alone in your parenting journey, and I can assure you that other parents of multiples have experienced and are experiencing the same feelings as you. It's important that we support and uplift each other in the midst of nap times and piles of laundry.