Let's talk about mom shaming for a minute. I know this is not an upbeat, happy topic, but one I don't think is openly discussed enough. At some point I think every momma has been hurt by mom shaming and mean comments. I have also found that it is often fellow moms who say and do the most hurtful things. So, why do we do it? This is something I struggle to understand.
After having our boys, I quickly realized I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I was sent home from the hospital with two babies. There was no crash course on how to take care of two newborns or navigate twin toddler meltdowns. We are left to relying on our own experiences and ability to research what to do. Parenting is really hard and we're all just doing the best that we know how.
My most vivid account of mom shaming occurred when we were at a hotel breakfast with our two oldest twin boys, who were two at the time. We had taken them to the Blank Park Zoo in Des Moines which is about two hours from our home. It was our first time doing something special with just the boys since our younger twins were born. We decided that a night at a hotel would make it extra special for them. During the hotel breakfast, a grandmother made a flippant comment about it appearing to be the first time our children were "un-contained." What she did not know was that this was the first time our boys had experienced a hotel breakfast. They were excited, full of energy and out of routine. They were excited to get Mom and Dad's full attention while having a new experience. Were they having a tough time sitting in their seat? Absolutely. But they were not being, malicious or hurtful to anyone. They were not interrupting anyone's breakfast either. And let's not forget, they were two years old. I cannot interpret the intent of this woman's words but do know that they were hurtful. I am well aware that my boys are full of energy. Comments can't
change that. However, this comment continues to circulate in my brain and has tainted an otherwise magical memory.
Prior to having children, my husband and I consistently went to church. This is something we have discussed always continuing with our children. Our faith is important to us and something we want to instill in our children. Any mom of multiples knows that it takes an act of God to be able to sit in the pew without having to take an unruly child to the foyer of the church. When we had our second set, there were many times our entire family was in the foyer navigating active toddlers and crying babies. This was difficult but what was harder was watching the scowls and stares we would receive during church. People continuously telling me "your hands are full" only compacted the judgment I felt. A friend and fellow parent of multiplies had someone turn around at our church and tell them that they are the reason there is online church.
Needless to say, it has been really difficult for us to find our way back to a consistent Sunday routine. I have let the mom shaming get the best of me and keep me from something that is so important to our family. We decided that our current church might not be the best fit for us during this phase of life and are currently trying to find a parish that better fits our family's needs. However, the feeling of being judged and the anxiety that goes with it still follows me to any church we attend.
I highlight both of these personal experiences to say that they have had a lasting impact on me. I know my children feel extremely loved by both their parents. I know we are doing the best we can to be present for our children. I know that I am a good mom. Despite what I know about myself and my children, the hurtful comments and mom shaming continues to linger in my mind. I would like to say that they haven't kept me from going somewhere or doing something with my kids, but they have. There are days when I don't feel like my armor is thick enough to with stand the comments and looks because with two sets of twins, there are a lot of looks.
We have all experienced toddler meltdowns in check-out lines. There is nothing more humbling than your toddler dropping an entire gallon of milk at Walmart. During those moments, us fellow moms need to be each other's best advocates. When we see a mom talking her upset child through big emotions or holding appropriate boundaries, Let's celebrate them. When we see a mom who appears to be frazzled with her child's behavior, let's ask her if there is anything we can do to help in the situation. Tell her that she is doing a good job because Lord knows she doesn't hear it enough. Let's all be an example of kindness and compassion to our children. Let's all commit to supporting each other and breaking the cycle of mom shaming!
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